Let me give that some thought, but you do need to accept that there is no reason to feel guilty. I do understand it though. Three or four years ago, I was given a tentative but mistaken diagnosis for a form of cancer that was sure to kill me within a year. I learned I was not afraid of death in the least, but I felt terrible at the thought of how much pain I was going to cause in those I loved - how much grief my death would create. (It took almost a month to correct that error.)
What you have to learn to embrace is that it is quite true that bad things happen to good people, and it is of the utmost importance to live to the fullest those moments we are given. You never know when they may end. You did nothing wrong; don't waste time trying to find it. Enjoy the present that you do have. Those who love you don't think you need to be forgiven - all they care about is that you are still alive.
If you look through all of my blog posts, you may find a few others with helpful pearls of wisdom. Hard to say, but I'll take inspiration wherever I can find it.
Fear may be harder to deal with. It's hard not to keep looking over your shoulder when you've been kicked this hard. Time, however, is your friend on this front. The longer you go without illness the more your fears will subside.
Does Raymond know of your guilt? Do you have a support group? Your emotions are normal for anyone with your experiences.
